Forgiveness aren't an easy thing to give
by HouseoftheBadger
Summary: Three months after The Prank as it now is known. The Marauders is miserable, because it seem like their friendships with Sirius is destroyed forever. Actually, almost all of Hogwarts is miserable. Will Remus ever be able to forgive Sirius for what he did?
1. Version 1 - less canon

**Disclaimer: I own no names, and no places. Nor do I own the event that was the ground to my fic. I do own the story, though.**

Hogwarts was miserable. And the reason Hogwarts was miserable was because the Marauders was miserable. The reason the whole student body got affected by that was that when the Marauders was miserable their fanclubs also were miserable, and they were a great part of the students. Which meant that the fans' friends also got miserable. And their friends got miserable. The only students who wasn't miserable was the Slytherins (most of them). The teachers were miserable too, because they were worried about their students. Even the giant squid, which Sirius had named Bathsheba in third year, seemed to be miserable. But the people who was most miserable was the Marauders. Remus Lupin was second most miserable of all of them, and Sirius Black was the most miserable at Hogwarts.

Sirius was sitting onto a branch of the beech tree next to the Black lake. He was hidden by the leaves and partly protected from the violent rain, even though he still was soaked, but he didn't care. At least the wetness hid the tears that was streaming down his face. He had been crying constantly the last three months, the first time he could remember crying since he was around five. Actually Sirius couldn't understand how he still could have tears left. He should be dry by now. He watched one of the tentacles of Bathsheba waving to him from the lake. Sheba had been his only company the last three months and the only one who still seemed to want him there. Not that he even deserved the company of a squid after what he had done. What he had done was unforgivable and he couldn't understand how he ever could be forgiven, or how he could forgive himself.

Three months ago he had told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow during a full moon, and almost got him killed. Luckily James had saved him, but he was only moments from getting killed by Moony. If Moony had killed Snape, it would have resulted in the death of Remus too and his expulsion – not that he cared about expulsion. He deserved it. The only reason he hadn't left school was that he couldn't live without being close to his frie- former friends even if they hated him. A werewolf who bit or killed someone got executed. He could have gotten one of his best friends killed by pure stupidity.

He had begged and told Remus he was sorry so many times, but he couldn't bear to see the betrayal, pain and sorrow on his Moony's face anymore. No, Moony wasn't his anymore. He still remembered Remus' words afterwards perfectly; "I want to forgive you, Sirius. I want to forgive you so badly, because I don't know how I will be able to live without you, but still I can't bear to even look at you. _Please_ tell me how to forgive you, because I don't know what I will do otherwise, but I _don't know_ how I ever would be able to have you in my life again after this." "Moony…" Sirius had answered, tentative, because he didn't know either. The fact that Remus said his name instead of nickname hurt too, because it meant that Remus didn't want him there. "No. Only my friends call me Moony, Sirius."  
Sirius had nodded and hadn't said anything else. During the last three months he had begged a lot, he had _beseeched_ to Remus to forgive him, and he hadn't been able to focus at anything.

He hadn't been in the dorm more than to get his things since then. He slept in the common room or the other 6th years Boys' dormitories and was outside of the Tower every moment he could. He couldn't bear his former friends' faces. Remus, Peter, _James_. None of them could forgive him, but he couldn't forgive himself, so he understood why.

More than five years of friendship, and he had destroyed it all in less than a minute. Only the moment it took to tell Snape how to get past the tree. _How could he have been that stupid?_ He sure hated Snape, almost as much as his 'family', but he didn't want him _dead_. He had just wanted to scare him a little, get him to stop snooping in the Marauders' affairs, but instead he had almost got both him and Moony killed and himself expulsed. What would the Potters have said if they knew? James was his best friend, his brother, and he hadn't said a word to him since then other than to yell at him. So what would Mr and Mrs Potter do and say? The people Sirius loved as parents, who _was_ his parents? He didn't know what he would do if they hated him.

Sirius huddled closer to the tree, closing his robes more in an attempt to get a little warmer. He was shaking, both out of sorrow and cold, but didn't use his wand to place a warming charm or something like that on himself. He didn't deserve warmth.

* * *

Remus sat in front of the common room fire, reading a book. It was a very good book, one of his favourites – _the Three Musketeers_ – but he wasn't able to focus. Firstly, the book reminded him too much of Sirius since it was one of the books Remus had read aloud for his friends over the years and they had loved to play musketeers when they were younger, and secondly, he quite much never was able to focus anymore. The only thing that existed was the pain over the betrayal, the fear of what could've happen if James hadn't been in time and the extreme sorrow over not having Sirius in his life anymore. He wanted to forgive Sirius, he wanted it _so much_ , but he couldn't. He had tried, he had really tried to find a way, but he wasn't able to. Sirius was stupid sometimes, he knew that. He acted before he thought, and never realized there would be consequences. That had pretty much always been Remus' job. But this time he had gone too far.

He could've made Remus a _murderer_ and on the same time got him executed. And the only thing that would've happened to Sirius was that he would have gotten expelled. Really, nothing worse would have happened. It would all have been Remus' fault in the Ministry's eyes, because he's the werewolf, the monster. Sirius on the other hand is a pureblood from the Black family, even if he was disowned. He would never get in trouble for something they could accuse a half-breed, a werewolf, a _monster_ , for. A half-blood half-breed even. The only thing that could've made it worse would be if he was muggleborn. Or a squib, for that matter, but then this would never have happened because he would never have attended Hogwarts. Not that he would have done it anyway if anyone but Dumbledore had been headmaster. Who else would let in a werewolf?

Submissive to the realization that he would get nothing done he closed his book with a sigh. He had tried to do his homework, tried to talk to James and Peter, tried to talk to _McGonagall_ and write letters to his parents but he couldn't focus at anything. Professor McGonagall had been kind enough to make sure none of the Marauders' lack of submitted homework would affect their grades right now, understanding that there was no way they would be able to succeed to keep their usual top grades.

He stood up and left his armchair. Almost immediately, as soon as they understood he wouldn't come back, two second years took the seat. The other students had enormous respect for the Marauders and no one dared to occupy their favourite seats if they wanted them, not even when it was Remus who never hexed people for such things. So even if Remus' favourite armchair was one of the best in the room it was immediately left alone as fast as he came toward the fire.

Remus sighed again and looked around. James and Peter was playing wizarding chess in the corner of the common room, they knew he wanted to be left alone right now, and everyone was unusually quiet. Maybe a result of the horrible weather outside. He noted that Sirius wasn't here either, not that he ever was before curfew any longer. He didn't knew if he should be relieved or sad. He wanted Sirius so badly, wanted Sirius to be his friend again, but since he couldn't forgive him it was so painful to have Sirius close. But still, he wanted Sirius wherever he was. By now, he was almost numb to the pain, the longing and the sorrow. He almost couldn't feel anymore.

Looking at his wristwatch he saw that it was half an hour to curfew, but he couldn't stay in here anymore, being a prefect be damned. Since when had a Marauder cared about rules anyway? Remus signed to James that he would take the Invisibility Cloak and James nodded. Just like all of them James' face looked older and much sadder, without it usual cheerfulness and cockiness, without Sirius. They all missed him so much, but neither James nor Peter was going to forgive Sirius before he did.

He walked upstairs to the Marauders' dormitory and grabbed the Cloak before quickly leaving the Gryffindor Tower. His heart felt heavy as he walked haphazardly around the castle, taking one or another secret passageway and shortcut without really thinking about where he was going. His thoughts were occupied with other things. Sirius showed up in his mind once again when he found himself in the Entrance Hall. Watching outside the rain was pouring down, it was almost a storm outside – only rain though, there wasn't a breeze outside strange enough. He felt a single tear roll down his cheek and furiously wiped it away. He had cried and cried for Sirius, for the loss of one of his best friends, and he had had enough. He didn't have energy to mourn more even if he wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball in a dark corner forever. But he had to leave this behind him. He couldn't go and be sad for the rest of his life. Still… a life without Sirius had been unthinkable for a long time ago and it was impossible to imagine not having him there. It physically hurt to even think about the possibility which now was very likely.

Taking on the Cloak Remus slipped outside in the rain and didn't care that he was soaked within seconds. He had to get out, to get fresh air and maybe clear his thoughts. Reflexively he began to walk down to the Black lake, which was where they usually had hung out since 1st year. The beech tree, specifically.

He didn't take of the Invisibility Cloak even when he got out of eyesight of the castle, he simply didn't think about it. As he got closer to the tree he began to feel numb, but continued anyway. He saw one of Bathsheba's tentacles waving from the lake and again his thoughts wandered to Sirius. Sirius who had named the giant squid because he felt that it was mean to only call it, or _her_ , the giant squid all the time. "Sirius…" Remus whispered, longing so much for his friend.

* * *

He came closer to the tree and sat down, leaning toward the trunk. He was cold, he was freezing, shaking, but he didn't care. He had to get rid of those thoughts. It was over. He didn't want it to be over, he wanted so badly to go back three months and make sure nothing of this happened, but it was nothing he could do.

He huddled into the Cloak and put his head in his lap, trying to forget everything when a very familiar voice came from above. He wasn't sure if he would stay or run for his life when he recognized it (after the first two words).  
"What am I going to do, Sheba?" It was Sirius' voice. A voice he had heard both way too much and way too little the last months. The voice that was usually so melodic was harsh and dry from crying and exhaustion, because Remus knew that Sirius had been crying a lot – and so had he. "I don't know how will be able to continue exist after this. Without my friends. I miss them so much, but I can't… if I can't even forgive myself for what I did, how can I ever expect them to?"  
Remus' breath caught in his throat. He didn't want to hear this, because it would hurt so much, especially if it wasn't enough. But maybe…. Just perhaps he could find what he needed to forgive his best friend now. Remus felt a small, small glimpse of hope, but tried to get rid of it. He didn't want to get his hopes worked up and get disappointed.

"I didn't want Snape to get killed, or hurt. I don't even know why I sent him there. I guess I just wanted to scare him away from us." When he heard this Remus felt angry. More excuses? But it disappeared when he continued to listen to the other boy. "I never thought about what could happen. Oh, _why_ do I have to be such a dolt?! I never once thought about what could happen to Moo… Remus. I never once thought about the consequences. I didn't even think about that Snape could die! I'm so stupid. I must be the most idiotic person on Earth!"  
Bubbles rose to the surface of the lake, and it was almost like the giant squid had answered Sirius. Well, if she understood what Sirius said it could explain why even she had been so depressed the last months.  
"I deserve to be expelled. I don't even know why Dumbledore didn't expel me! It would have been better for everyone. I could've… I don't know, lived with the muggles. Then at least I couldn't hurt anyone I love. It's so hard. I tries to keep out of their ways, and I don't want to see them because I can't look at their faces, but on the same time it hurts to be away from them. I love them, Sheba. I love Peter. I love James. I love Remus. And I just wish they would know how sorry I am. But what good would that make?" he added bitterly. "I've destroyed everything. Even if they did knew, they would never forgive me, and with all right. I wouldn't forgive me either. I do not forgive myself, you know. Oh, look at me. I'm pathetic. Who would ever thought they would see the day when Sirius Black is pathetic? But yet, here I am, sitting in the rain, talking to a squid."

"I have even thought about quitting Hogwarts. It's a nightmare to be here but not being able to be close to them. They're my family. And they hate me. Just like my blood-family."  
Sirius broke out in sobs, and as always Remus' heart broke. He had never seen Sirius cry before The Prank. It always broke his heart, but it had never been enough to heal the injuries Sirius' betrayal had given it.

"I-I-I…" Sirius stammered, trying to say something between the sobs. "I can't handle this. I do-don't want this anymore. I wish I could just mo-move in with you, Sheba. I could live with th-the merpeople. Maybe the pain would ease off a little then. I wish I wasn't so stupid. I wish Moony hadn't trusted me, because then I would never have been able to hurt him. I could even live a thousand lifetimes _with my blood-family_ if that meant I wouldn't have caused him so much pain. I wish we never had met!"

Suddenly Remus wasn't angry anymore. Sure it was only words that Sirius would live with his family, but he said them to a _squid_ and didn't know Remus was there, so they must mean something. Bathsheba made a sound that could either be agreement or disagreement, or nothing special. For the first time in three months he smiled slightly and took the Invisibility Cloak off, looking up and seeing Sirius on his usual branch.

"I don't, Padfoot." He said softly.

* * *

Sirius winced in surprise and almost fell down from the tree when he heard the very familiar voice beneath him. For a moment he thought he had hallucinated but then he looked down and saw Remus, just as drenched as he, standing there with the Cloak in his hand, looking at him with his big green eyes and his brown hair hanging down in his face. Remus hated wet hair, it reminded him too much of blood, and still he stood here, totally soaked. Then he realized something else. Remus had called him _Padfoot_. Something that no one had done since before The Prank. Could it mean that he's forgiven? No, he didn't dare to get his hopes up yet.

"Remus?" he mumbled, still a bit in shock, and the werewolf nodded slowly. Sirius was grateful that the rain hid the fact that he actually had tears in his whole face, but on the other hand he was probably red-eyed by now. Carefully he lowered himself to the ground and soon he stood in front of the other boy, who for the first time in an eternity didn't look betrayed. But that didn't help much. Sirius' guilt was still crushing, even if Remus' didn't look betrayed right now.  
"Oh, Remus, I'm so sorry!" he exclaimed, shaking of restrained sobs. For two months ago he would've tried to touch Remus, but he had learnt by now that that wasn't a good idea. Remus would only shake him off and both of them would feel even worse. "I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't think, I didn't even want to hurt Snape! I'm so sorry!"  
He expected Remus to tell him it wasn't enough again, but instead he was shocked when a pair of arms embraced him. Instinctively he threw his arms around his friend and buried his face in Remus' shoulder. Oh, how he had missed the smell of Remus. Chocolate, old books and parchments, something slightly furry and the Marauders' dorm, which included all their smells.

They hugged each other tightly and slid down to the ground, not letting go.  
"I forgive you, Pads. I forgive you." Remus mumbled into Sirius' hair meanwhile Sirius continued to tell him he was sorry. They sat like that in what felt like an eternity and they were both shaking from cold and exhaustion when they let go of each other.  
"Really?" Sirius said ruefully but with a hopeful glimpse in his eyes. "You really do forgive me?"  
Remus nodded with a soft smile and Sirius smiled, he too for the first time in three months.  
"Thank you, Remus! Thank you so much!"  
"Moony." Remus corrected with a smile and Sirius looked even happier, if that was possible. He nodded eagerly.  
"Moony." He said contently.

* * *

Remus looked out and realized it was in the middle of the night. It was absolutely dark, and the sky was enlightened by stars. It had finally stopped raining, and the stars and the crescent moon shone clearer than they ever had done before.  
"Look." He said and pointed at one star. "There's Sirius."  
Sirius smiled and looked at his star. His name was one of the few things he liked that the Family had given him. Sirius, the Dog Star, the brightest star in Canis Major. They watched the sky for a few minutes before Remus turned back to Sirius.  
"Maybe we should go back." He said. "It's late, and we have school tomorrow."  
Sirius nodded and they huddled together under the Cloak once again, happy to finally be friends again. Their relationship wouldn't be exactly the same for a while, but with some work they both knew it could be, with time.

* * *

James flew out of his armchair as he saw the portrait fly open, but no one came in.  
"Remus?" he said worriedly. It was late and Remus was never out late when it was school next day if they didn't force him. Suddenly the Cloak was dragged off by invisible hands and two persons was visible again, standing close to each other. Remus, and Sirius. James and Peter both stared and Remus smiled happily – which was a feat, he hadn't smiled once since Then – and Sirius smiled tentatively, looking unsure.  
"Sirius? Remus?" Peter asked, wondering what was going on. "Why are you together?"  
Remus grabbed Sirius' wrist and held firmly.  
"I forgave him." He told them. "So I think you should too."

Peter was the quickest to. He walked to them and looked at Remus, who nodded. Then he quickly gave Sirius a one-armed hug which Sirius responded to, relieved. Peter then backed off, to try to escape the possible storm. James was staring at them in disbelief and Sirius looked actually scared when he looked at his very best friend. So many thoughts flew through his head, but the only thing he could say was:  
"You… forgave him?"  
"Yep." Remus nodded.  
"Just… like that?"  
"Kind of… I guess."  
"AFTER ALL HE HAS DONE?! HE COULD'VE GOTTEN SNAPE KILLED! HE COULD'VE GOTTEN _YOU_ KILLED!"  
All the other three boys had expected this. James had hard to get over a betrayal, especially from someone he loved, at least until he got a good reason. And they wasn't sure if there were anybody he loved more than Sirius. Probably not. Remus nodded slowly.  
"Yes, Prongs. After all he has done. He really is sorry, James. He does regret it very much."

James calmed down quickly. He was soon to judge, soon to lash up and soon to forgive.  
"Really?"  
Sirius nodded, staring at his feet and unsure what James would do now. He heard footsteps and suddenly he felt a sting. Looking at his hands he realized he was purple. Bright purple.  
"That's for everything you've done." James said, putting his wand back in his pocket. Sirius nodded again, it was the least he could do, go around purple. And suddenly he was engulfed in another hug, this time by his brother-in-all-but-blood. He inhaled the calming smell of James and couldn't help but feel like he finally had come home again.  
"And that's for coming back to us. To me."

* * *

For the first time in three months Sirius slept in his own dormitory again. They used a spell to move the beds together, so tonight they all slept in one gigantic bed, close to each other and relieved that it finally was over.

* * *

When the Marauders walked into breakfast together once again, talking and laughing like nothing had happened (even if things was a _tiny_ bit more tense than usual) nearly everyone in Hogwarts sighed in relief. Maybe everything would return back to normal now. The Slytherins wasn't happy though. Sad Marauders had mean that they didn't have to be worried about getting pranked, but now they would surely be soon.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked, not sure if he wanted answer on the question he would ask.  
"Yes, Padfoot?"  
"Have you… have you told mum and dad? They said nothing in their letters, but…" He meant Mr and Mrs Potter of course. He had begun to call them mum and dad when he moved in with the Potters last summer. James smiled and shook his head and Sirius sighed in relief.  
"No. I told them we wasn't the best of friends right now, but nothing more than that. Didn't want to worry them. They will be relieved to know that we're back."  
"With regard to the word _back_ " Remus said with a grin. "I think the Marauders been away for way too long. What about a prank to show Hogwarts that we're back?"  
His friends grinned similar evil grins.  
"Moony, my friend." Sirius said, with obvious happiness of being able to once again. "I think you're a mind reader."

* * *

 **Review!**

 **Well, now I've written about this too. You maybe understood that I don't find it very logical like it is in some stories, where Sirius doesn't regret it at all, or not regrets it much, and/or Remus is extremely quick to forgive him. I mean, like I pointed out in the story, not only Snape could've died, but Remus too.**

 **But I do realize this perhaps was a little too much, and that it maybe was slightly less... painful in "reality" or canon, but well, this was what my mind made it to, and even though it might was overdramatic in some ways I don't want to re-write it so it will stay like this. :) Okay, now I've written another version, so I post it as another chapter of this. I hope you'll like it!**

 **Also, notice that it was Remus who came up with the proposal to a prank, because I think he was an evil mastermind behind many of the Marauders' greatest pranks and the only reason he wasn't caught and seen like innocent was because he was extremely good at making people believe it wasn't his fault, making them think he's "poor-Lupin-who-Potter-and-Black-corrupted" and making them feel "no, look at that face! I can't put _him_ in detention. It must've been all Potter and Black's fault". But that's only a charade and Remus is just as good at pranks as the others, he only doesn't want to hurt or bully someone. Otherwise he's on everything. Or most of it, at least.**

 **Ps! I'm working at writing Sirius' tea with Professor Minnie, but it's _really_ hard. Feel free to give me suggestions about what they will talk about, what will happen and such things. I would be very grateful!**


	2. A (hopefully) more canon version

**Okay, I know the first version was a little strange and unlikely (well, I didn't realize it until _KamiKaze Black_ pointed out that it was kind of awkward and that Sirius merely regretted it in PoA - even though KamiKaze luckily liked it despite that - and I realized that I wanted to write one less awkward), so I decided to write a new. But since I didn't want to delete the first because I still thought it was kind of good I decided to do this as a new chapter instead. So I hope this one is more likely, and more fitting with the characters' personalities. Oh, and bits of it are the same as in 'chapter 1', but most isn't.**

* * *

Sirius sat on his favourite branch in the beech tree next to the Black lake and stared out over the lake. Watching the giant squid's, Bathsheba's, tentacles waving over the surface he sighed for himself. He was soaked, and frozen since it rained violently, but didn't have the energy to care and no intention of going back inside the castle even though it was almost curfew and beginning to get dark outside. He had avoided being near the other students, and inside the Tower, as much as possible the last three months and did all he could to keep away from his frie- former friends after he fucked everything up. They didn't want to see him and he understood them. What he had done was horrible. A single tear floated down his face, but it wasn't visible seeing as he already was drenched.

He hadn't meant to be so stupid. He hadn't thought at all. He wasn't very sorry for Snape's sake, even if he didn't want him dead, but he was extremely ashamed over what he almost had done to Remus. If James hadn't saved Snape, Moony would've killed or bitten him, and a werewolf who killed or bit someone got executed immediately even if it was someone else's fault. Such was the injustice and prejudices in Wizarding England, and probably everywhere. Not only had he risked Snape's life with his stupidity, but also the life of one of his best friends.

He had barely talked to them since then, and that was three months. The only contact they had had ever since was when he tried to apologize to Remus, which never went very well, and when James yelled at him for what he'd done (which almost felt good because at least they talked to him and looked at him). And when he and James worked on their project in Charms but it was doubtful if that could count as contact seeing as they almost didn't speak except when they had to or Sirius apologized and James told him to apologize to Remus instead which he did and Remus told him that he wanted to, so badly, but didn't know _how_ , because "How could I ever trust you again, Sirius? I can't imagine a life without you, it hurts to think of, but I can't stand being close to you either."

It was torture, sheer torture, to be so close to his best friends (former best friends) but unable to be with them. He wished he could get over a Time Turner and go back to change what he did, but firstly; no one would ever trust him with one and secondly; changing the past was _strictly_ against the law.

Sirius hardly slept anymore, and when he did it wasn't in his dormitory but the common room. Since he couldn't bear being that close to them but unable to talk to them, touch them and share their beds after a nightmare, and knew they suffered too by his presence, he preferred the common room even though anyone in Gryffindor could be in there. His grades was steadily sinking but he didn't care. He had more important things than school to think of.

He wrung out water from his hair and took his bangs out of his face meanwhile he continued to stare at Bathsheba. She (Sirius was sure it was a she even if he didn't _knew_ ) was the only one who didn't seem to mind his company these days. Sure, he could go to McGonagall, but she was concerned at the same time as she was angry at him for what he did and he didn't need that now, but the rest of the school was avoiding him. It was wide known that you should avoid a Sirius Black who was in his bad moods. He wasn't in mood to hex anyone, actually, but he also knew that if someone got too annoying he probably would flame up and send a Stinging Hex or something on them, or levitate them up onto something.

This was depressing. He hadn't got expelled for what he did, even if he had detentions for months, but he had almost thought about quitting Hogwarts and go living with the muggles or something. He wasn't of age yet, so he probably wouldn't be allowed to use magic if he dropped out of school but it almost felt like a better alternative than this. The only things that stopped him was that he would miss his only, tiny chance to ever be friends with James, Remus and Peter again, it felt horrible to be away from them even if they didn't talk to him and he would make mum and dad (Mr and Mrs Potter) so incredibly disappointed. They hadn't said anything about what he had done in their letters, so maybe James hadn't told them, but they would get to know if he dropped out and he didn't want them to.

Sighing again he disappeared the old cigarette that had died a long time ago in the wetness with a flick of his wand and stared out over the sky. It was beginning to clear up, even if the rain still poured down. He really had fucked things up. He missed his friends, and _contact_ , so much. Practically the only other humans he had talked to in a civil manner was teachers and that wasn't very interesting. He couldn't even talk Quidditch with McGonagall, because he wasn't on the team right now. James had just put in his substitute on the team and even though she wasn't as good as beater as Sirius she was okay. Sirius hadn't minded, in fact it was he who had gotten James to do it since James never let private life come in the way of Quidditch.

In anger on himself he hit the trunk of the tree, which resulted in the water that had been lying on the leaves fell down on him and he got a shower where he was sitting.  
"Fuck!" Sirius swore when he dragged his hands over his face to get rid of the water in his eyes. It seemed like the whole world was against him – not that he really blamed the world if that was the case.

Closing his robes he tried to get a little more warmth but he didn't have the energy to use a warmth charm. If this continued it was possible that he would leave Hogwarts and then he had to learn to live like a muggle anyway. Plus, he wasn't too sure he deserved to be warm after all this.

* * *

Remus sat in front of the common room fire, reading a book. It was a very good book, one of his favourites – _the Three Musketeers_ – but he wasn't able to focus. Firstly, the book reminded him too much of Sirius since it was one of the books Remus had read aloud for his friends over the years and they had loved to play musketeers when they were younger, and secondly, he quite much never was able to focus anymore. The only thing that existed was the pain over the betrayal, the fear of what could've happen if James hadn't been in time and the extreme sorrow over not having Sirius in his life anymore. He wanted to forgive Sirius, he wanted it _so much_ , but he couldn't. He had tried, he had really tried to find a way, but he wasn't able to. Sirius was stupid sometimes, he knew that. He acted before he thought, and never realized there would be consequences. That had pretty much always been Remus' job. But this time he had gone too far.

He could've made Remus a _murderer_ and on the same time got him executed. And the only thing that would've happened to Sirius was that he would have gotten expelled. Really, nothing worse would have happened. It would all have been Remus' fault in the Ministry's eyes, because he's the werewolf, the monster. Sirius on the other hand is a pureblood from the Black family, even if he was disowned. He would never get in trouble for something they could accuse a half-breed, a werewolf, a _monster_ , for. A half-blood half-breed even. The only thing that could've made it worse would be if he was muggleborn. Or a squib, for that matter, but then this would never have happened because he would never have attended Hogwarts. Not that he would have done it anyway if anyone but Dumbledore had been headmaster. Who else would let in a werewolf?

Submissive to the realization that he would get nothing done he closed his book with a sigh. He had tried to do his homework, tried to talk to James and Peter, tried to talk to _McGonagall_ and write letters to his parents but he couldn't focus at anything. Professor McGonagall had been kind enough to make sure none of the Marauders' lack of submitted homework would affect their grades right now, understanding that there was no way they would be able to succeed to keep their usual top grades.

He stood up and left his armchair. Almost immediately, as soon as they understood he wouldn't come back, two second years took the seat. The other students had enormous respect for the Marauders and no one dared to occupy their favourite seats if they wanted them, not even when it was Remus who never hexed people for such things. So even if Remus' favourite armchair was one of the best in the room it was immediately left alone as fast as he came toward the fire.

Remus sighed again and looked around. James and Peter was playing wizarding chess in the corner of the common room, they knew he wanted to be left alone right now, and everyone was unusually quiet. Maybe a result of the horrible weather outside. He noted that Sirius wasn't here either, not that he ever was before curfew any longer. He didn't knew if he should be relieved or sad. He wanted Sirius so badly, wanted Sirius to be his friend again, but since he couldn't forgive him it was so painful to have Sirius close. But still, he wanted Sirius wherever he was. By now, he was almost numb to the pain, the longing and the sorrow. He almost couldn't feel anymore.

Looking at his wristwatch he saw that it was half an hour to curfew, but he couldn't stay in here anymore, being a prefect be damned. Since when had a Marauder cared about rules anyway? Remus signed to James that he would take the Invisibility Cloak and James nodded. Just like all of them James' face looked older and much sadder, without it usual cheerfulness and cockiness, without Sirius. They all missed him so much, but neither James nor Peter was going to forgive Sirius before he did.

He walked upstairs to the Marauders' dormitory and grabbed the Cloak before quickly leaving the Gryffindor Tower. His heart felt heavy as he walked haphazardly around the castle, taking one or another secret passageway and shortcut without really thinking about where he was going. His thoughts were occupied with other things. Sirius showed up in his mind once again when he found himself in the Entrance Hall. Watching outside the rain was pouring down, it was almost a storm outside – only rain though, there wasn't a breeze outside strange enough. He felt a single tear roll down his cheek and furiously wiped it away. He had cried and cried for Sirius, for the loss of one of his best friends, and he had had enough. He didn't have energy to mourn more even if he wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball in a dark corner forever. But he had to leave this behind him. He couldn't go and be sad for the rest of his life. Still… a life without Sirius had been unthinkable for a long time ago and it was impossible to imagine not having him there. It physically hurt to even think about the possibility which now was very likely.

Taking on the Cloak Remus slipped outside in the rain and didn't care that he was soaked within seconds. He had to get out, to get fresh air and maybe clear his thoughts. Reflexively he began to walk down to the Black lake, which was where they usually had hung out since 1st year. The beech tree, specifically.

He didn't take of the Invisibility Cloak even when he got out of eyesight of the castle, he simply didn't think about it. As he got closer to the tree he began to feel numb, but continued anyway. He saw one of Bathsheba's tentacles waving from the lake and again his thoughts wandered to Sirius. Sirius who had named the giant squid because he felt that it was mean to only call it, or _her_ , the giant squid all the time. "Sirius…" Remus whispered, longing so much for his friend.

He came closer to the tree and sat down, leaning toward the trunk. He was cold, he was freezing, shaking, but he didn't care. He had to get rid of those thoughts. It was over. He didn't want it to be over, he wanted so badly to go back three months and make sure nothing of this happened, but it was nothing he could do.

* * *

He huddled into the Cloak and put his head in his lap, trying to forget everything when a very familiar voice came from above. He wasn't sure if he would stay or run for his life when he recognized it.  
"What am I going to do, Sheba?" It was Sirius' voice. A voice he had heard both way too much and way too little the last months. The voice that was usually so melodic was harsh and dry from crying and exhaustion, because Remus knew that Sirius had been crying a lot – and so had he. "I miss them so, so much. I wish I could just change everything, so I never had caused Remus this much pain, and with it, also James, Peter and myself. But especially Remus since it was his life I almost destroyed."  
Remus' breath caught in his throat. He didn't want to hear this, because it would hurt so much, especially if it wasn't enough. But maybe…. Just perhaps he could find what he needed to forgive his best friend now. Remus felt a small, small glimpse of hope, but tried to get rid of it. He didn't want to get his hopes worked up and get disappointed.  
"You have an easy life, Sheba." Sirius continued. "All you do is swimming around and helping a kid or two who have fallen in the lake. You don't have to handle your own stupidity or selfishness. And you don't have to think before you act, because you're a squid. I, on the other hand, really should do that, I know that, but I'm too idiotic to remember it. I've been thinking of leaving Hogwarts, you know…"

Remus breath almost caught in his throat. It didn't matter how much it hurt to have Sirius close, not having him close was worse. The thought of losing Sirius even more than he already had was terrible, and painful, and he knew both James and Peter would feel just the same. Probably James would react even worse, seeing that he never had seen a relationship like James and Sirius'.  
Sirius laughed humourlessly.  
"Oh, yes, have I thought about it. But I couldn't. That would mean losing them for real, and I can't live without them. I would die for them, even if they hate me. While I'm still here at Hogwarts it means I still have one chance to make up for my imbecility."  
Remus had to admit, he was impressed. He didn't know Sirius knew such words. Then he realized those were probably words he had been called by his parents one time or another. Then he realized he himself also had called Sirius some of those words, coldly. He couldn't help but feel guilty, even though he knew that Sirius actually had earned it. But still… Sirius had thought he had escaped those kind of words when he ran away from home and now his friends threw them in his face like that, no matter if he deserved it or not.

Remus wanted to hit himself. Why in Merlin's name did he feel guilty? All of this was Sirius' fault! He had all right in the world to call Sirius stupid, because what he had done was stupid, cruel and mean. Remus looked up at Sirius' face. He looked cold, bitter and a bit hateful, but Remus could immediately see that he wasn't angry at them but at himself. He also couldn't help but feel relief when Sirius said he wouldn't leave the school.

"Yes." Sirius stated, in a tone Remus couldn't identify – which was very strange because he had known Sirius in more than five years now – meanwhile scratching of a bit of bark from the tree with his nail. "They hate me. They're my family, and they hate me. Just like my blood-family, like Mother and Father and Regulus."  
In the end he sounded just distressed and sad and this really broke Remus' heart and also made him angry at himself again. Because no matter how much he had tried, desperate to escape the pain of betrayal, he couldn't bring himself to hate Sirius, the boy who had accepted him for who and what he was and even became Animagi for him. How could you ever hate someone like that, no matter what he did?

"I almost wish I never had met them, because then I wouldn't have been able to bring them pain, but I can't even be that unselfish to _wish_ something because they made my life a thousand times better. They gave me friends, happiness, family and _freedom_. They are my life and it's not worth anything without them. I would die right now if it would make them happy, Sheba. I promise."  
Somehow, Remus didn't doubt that. Sirius sounded perfectly serious, and seeing how protective Sirius could be it almost felt natural that Sirius didn't hesitate about something like that, which almost scared Remus a little – mostly because he was deathly afraid that Sirius actually would do something like that. Suddenly he wasn't angry with Sirius anymore, and he didn't feel what Sirius had done was unforgivable any longer. A small, small smile of relief lightened up his face and it felt wonderful. It was the first time in three months he had smiled even the slightest of smiles.  
"I don't doubt it, Padfoot."

* * *

Sirius winced in surprise and almost fell down from the tree when he heard the very familiar voice beneath him. For a moment he thought he had hallucinated but then he looked down and saw Remus, just as drenched as he, standing there with the Cloak in his hand, looking at him with his big green eyes and his brown hair hanging down in his face. Remus hated wet hair, it reminded him too much of blood, and still he stood here, totally soaked. Then he realized something else. Remus had called him _Padfoot_. Something that no one had done since before The Prank. Could it mean that he's forgiven? No, he didn't dare to get his hopes up yet.

"Remus?" he mumbled, still a bit in shock, and the werewolf nodded slowly. Sirius was grateful that the rain hid the fact that he actually had tears in his whole face, but on the other hand he was probably red-eyed by now. Carefully he lowered himself to the ground and soon he stood in front of the other boy, who for the first time in an eternity didn't look betrayed. But that didn't help much. Sirius' guilt was still crushing, even if Remus' didn't look betrayed right now.

Remus smile widened a little bit as he looked at the black haired boy in front of him, who both looked incredibly happy that he even was talking to him, guilty and confused _why_ he was talking to him. A small smile took place at Sirius' face too when he saw that Remus didn't look angry or disappointed or betrayed anymore.  
"Yes, Paddy. Remus." He answered, smirking slightly. Sirius' eyes widened when he realized that he hadn't heard wrong before, Remus was actually calling him by his nickname. It was so long since he heard any variation of Padfoot.  
"I'm so sorry, Remus." Sirius exclaimed, hoping that Remus would let him apologize for real this time. "I really didn't mean to! I was so stupid and didn't think, and I'm so sorry! I will never do something like that again, I promise!"  
"I forgive you, Padfoot." Remus said calmly, even if his voice wavered just a little bit. Most people wouldn't have heard it but Sirius was too used to listen after those small things since Remus never admitted if he felt bad so it was impossible for the werewolf to hide it for him.

"Really?" Sirius face lightened up, even if he looked weary, as if he was worried it was just a cruel joke. Remus snorted a little at the thought. He would never be that cruel.  
"Yes, really." He nodded.

Sirius' eyes widened and he looked like Christmas had come early. Suddenly, without thinking, he threw himself on Remus and gave his friend a big hug. Remus laughed a little and hugged back. It had been months since neither of them had hugged anybody; Sirius because he had no one to hug and Remus because he hadn't accepted a hug from anybody.  
"Thank you Remus." He whispered into Remus' hair. Remus smiled affectionately. How he had missed his Padfoot.  
"Moony." He corrected. "And you're welcome."  
"Moony." Sirius repeated contently. It felt good to be allowed to say it again.

* * *

They looked up at the sky and realized it had stopped raining, and the stars were shining clearer than ever before. Everything was visible and for once Remus didn't feel threatened by the crescent moon. When he finally had Sirius by his side again it felt like nothing could hurt him again, and he knew that Moony certainly would be happy to have Padfoot by his side again next full moon. Maybe Padfoot's return could ease his injuries again, they had been worse since he left. Only Prongs couldn't keep Moony busy like Padfoot could.  
"We should go back." Remus decided and Sirius nodded. Since it now was after curfew they both got under the Cloak and made their way back to Gryffindor Tower. For the first time in an eternity neither feared to come back there.

* * *

They reached the Fat Lady and after making sure no one was there they took of the Cloak. She raised an eyebrow but smiled at the boys when she saw them together.  
"Finally made up, have you?" she asked, grateful. It had been horrible to see the usually so close and happy boys so miserable. They nodded and Remus told her the password before they walked in.  
When they came into the common room they noticed it was empty except two boys; James and Peter. Peter looked like he should fall asleep anytime but James flew on his feet when he saw them, looking relieved.  
"Moony! Where have you been? We…" he quieted. "Sirius? Why are you with him?"  
Sirius felt hurt when he heard James, but he understood why James reacted like this. He tried so smile, but he probably looked a bit afraid because that was how he felt. James had easy to flame up and it could take time before he forgave. Just like himself, he supposed.

He felt warm when Remus put an arm over his shoulders and smiled toward him before turning to James and Peter. Peter had now woke up and looked at them with big eyes.  
"We've made up." He explained. "I've forgiven Padfoot, and so should you." He said it as he meant both James and Peter, but it was entirely directed to James and all of the four boys knew it. Peter would follow in James' footsteps since he preferred to take the least dangerous path. The occasions was few when he didn't take side with James, and ever fewer that he didn't take side with neither James nor Sirius. And only half of those few occasions he didn't take side with Remus either.

James and Peter stared at them, surprised and a bit shocked. Nothing in Remus' behaviour this day had showed any signs of being ready to forgive their fourth member, and now they stood with their arms around each other, and Remus wasn't one to change his mind quickly.  
"You… forgave him?" James asked slowly, blinking. Remus looked unsure for a moment, James' tone was strange, but nodded.  
"Yes."  
"Just like that?"  
"…Kind of, I guess. I heard him talk to Bathsheba…"  
"YOU HEARD HIM TALK TO A SQUID AND DECIDED TO FORGIVE HIM? AFTER ALL HE HAS DONE? HE COULD'VE GOTTEN SNAPE KILLED! HE COULD'VE GOTTEN _YOU_ KILLED!" James roared. Sirius flinched, this was what he had been afraid of. James didn't want to forgive him. It hurt, James was the most important person in his life.  
"Yes, Prongs." Remus answered patiently. "If you had heard him you should've too. He really _do_ regret what he did."

James took a calming breath and stared at them. Peter had backed a few steps, knowing that James could lash up. He now returned to his earlier place, his gaze flicking nervously between his friends.  
James took a few steps forward and dragged his wand. With a quick flick of it Sirius felt a sting and when he looked down on his hands he realized that they were pink. Bright pink. His eyes widened and he grabbed his hair, looking at it, but to his great relief it was still pitch black and seemingly as perfect as before. His hair had actually been the only thing he had cared about the last months. James raised an eyebrow.  
"You know I wouldn't be _that_ cruel to touch your hair." He said, and Sirius nodded relieved before James continued. " _That_ was for everything you've done. It'll disappear tomorrow."

He nodded, knowing that going through a day pink was worth it a hundred times to have his friends back. Then he felt James' arms embrace him and he hugged back, relieved that he seemed to be forgiven by James too. And if James forgave him, then Peter should too, and then he was forgiven by everyone.  
"And that was for coming back to us. To me."  
Sirius grinned happily and then Peter walked up to him and gave him a quick hug too, which Sirius took more than happily.

* * *

They went to bed since it was late and school tomorrow, and for the first time in months Sirius slept in his own dormitory and his own bed. At least for a while, because later he walked over and snuggled down next to James, who didn't mind. He had missed it almost as much as Sirius had done. At least this way he knew his brother was safe and sound.

* * *

When they walked into the Great Hall the next morning, Sirius still bright pink, the entire Hall sighed in relief. Well, except the Slytherins who had enjoyed their prank-free holiday, and a few giggles came at how Sirius looked. Sirius just grinned at them, too happy to be back in the Marauders to be angry over anything – and he didn't usually became angry over such things, it was just things you had to learn to live with if you was a Marauder.

* * *

 **I hope this one was better. Tell me what you think? And with that I mean; Review! It takes one or two minutes, at most, so couldn't you _please_ spend that much of your time to make me happy? Please with a cherry on the top? **


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